How to save the Bakelite Museum

September 30th, 2010

The Bakelite Museum in Somerset, housed in a cramped 18th-century mill, is facing closure. According to The Daily Telegraph, ‘an off-duty fire officer visited the museum and considered a fire escape through a roof hatch to be inadequate’. The problem, it seems, is that this and other escapes are simply ‘not wide enough for overweight visitors’.

Would a solution not be for the museum to impose ‘width restrictions’ at the point of entry, much as there are height restrictions at fairgrounds? There is presumably no law against discrimination on the grounds of one’s size or shape. Stout people are already excluded from numerous activities, such as bobsleighing and flying gliders, so they need not feel affronted.

The ever obliging Devon and Somerset Fire Service should, of course, advise on the appropriate width.

Swinburne’s Bonchurch

September 7th, 2010

The poet Swinburne was born in London and considered himself a Northumbrian, but he spent most of his youth at East Dene, his parents’ house at Bonchurch on the Isle of Wight. A strange little runt of a man, Swinburne had picked up his algolagnia (‘pain lust’) at Eton, along with his fluency in the classics, though his fondest memories of school were of ‘swimming lessons and play in the Thames’. Etonians of the time practically invented modern recreational swimming, though Swinburne took a more masochistic pleasure in immersion. This was evident at an early age, when his no-nonsense father (an Admiral) used to toss him into the waves in Monk’s Bay below the house. Swinburne said that he would emerge ‘shouting and laughing with delight’.

Swinburne never visited Greece, though, like Keats, he wrote as if he were a Greek. The landscape around Bonchurch is, in fact, England’s nearest equivalent to the beauties of Greece (see the view below), and Swinburne seems instinctively to have known this, specifically comparing the two places in ‘Triumph of Gloriana’. Bonchurch is close to my own boyhood home, and I often walk there, approaching it from the densely-wooded Landslip – a place where elves might easily lurk under giant rocks and fallen boughs, or Pan and Bacchus play hide and seek with the Maenad and the Bassarid:

‘The laughing leaves of the trees divide,

And screen from seeing and leave in sight

The god pursuing, the maiden hid.’

Having paid my respects at the boundary of East Dene (now some sort of residential educational centre), I descend the steep path to the beach. The waters of Monk’s Bay are more placid than they used to be, owing to the construction (within the last ten years) of some major sea defences. Swinburne would have been displeased. He liked his sea to be rough, like his lovers. Turning northwards along the coast, I soon reach a deserted beach where, truly, I have never seen another soul. Perhaps it is just too much effort for people to clamber with their paraphernalia over tricky rocks, though easy for me, familiar with these shores, fired up by my walk and unencumbered. At least once a year, I strip off and swim.

Swinburne would presumably have taken this route to Culver Cliff, the dangerous, sheer, white face of which he famously scaled at the age of 17, to prove his manhood. He wrote that he had had to break off the attempt (which verged on the suicidal) to gather his courage, by bathing in the sea at the foot of the cliff. He must have liked my deserted beach, too. The risk of being pounded by the waves, and scraped on rocks which are just below the surface at low tide, would have had him squealing with delight.

East Dene, Culver Cliff and the beach below the Landslip, Bonchurch

The Homing Instinct of Dogs

July 21st, 2010

On 1 June, it was reported in The Daily Telegraph that a nervous whippet-terrier cross named Jack, who had fled into woods whilst on a country walk with his owners, had somehow made his way home to Penistone (sic), South Yorks, along an unfamiliar and hazardous 15-mile route that  would have involved his crossing both a by-pass and the M1 motorway. His delighted owner discovered him asleep on the doorstep, exhausted and with his feet covered in sores, a day and a half after he had gone missing. The case is further remarkable evidence of the homing instinct of dogs.

Perusing that obscure but delightful monograph, Recollections of the Early Days of the Vine Hunt, by a Sexagenarian (1865), I discover two more. The anonymous author is Edward Austen-Leigh, Jane Austen’s favourite nephew. He writes (p.17) that, in the mid-18th century, Lord Craven would bring his hounds every season to Dummer, near Basingstoke, and hunt the adjoining country. ‘Two or three draft hounds had been sent by Lord Craven to Blair Athol in Scotland, and had been taken part of the way by sea, but found their way back to the kennel at Dummer in some marvellously short space of time.’

He further writes: ‘A relation of mine knew of an instance somewhat similar. A neighbour of his, who kept harriers in the Cotswold Hills, had sent a hound to a pack in Essex, about twenty miles beyond London; I do not know whether on foot or in a carriage. When he was taken out with the pack in Essex, he was observed to be with them when the first hare was killed, but was missed soon afterwards. Some time in the next day, he was found at his old kennel in Gloucestershire. Both these cases seem to prove that dogs are directed to their point by some inexplicable instinct, though they know nothing of the intermediate space which they have to traverse.’

Perhaps the most spectacular example is part of my own family legend. Victor Hugo had a poodle (not a toy poodle, rather the sturdy, water-retrieving type) named Baron, of whom he was very fond. Baron nevertheless demanded constant attention and interfered with his master’s writing. One evening, early in 1877, my grandmother’s grandfather, the Marquis de Faletans, was attending Hugo’s salon in his fourth floor apartment in Paris, at 21 rue de Clichy. Hugo noticed him making a fuss of the dog. ‘Does Baron please you?’ he said. ‘He’s yours!’ Eight days later they departed for Russia, where my ancestor was to reside for a time with his wife at Great Bokino, her country estate, some 200 miles south-east of Moscow.

Regular news was sent to the Hugos, but in mid-December, after a period of ominous silence, the Marquis reluctantly reported that the dog was missing, feared seized by a wolf or a bear.

Hugo, who had resigned himself to the loss, was roused from his bed on Christmas morning by his cook, who lived on the ground floor. An exhausted, emaciated Baron had appeared on the doorstep, and announced himself with frantic barks. Old Hugo was touched to the core, and amazed that Baron had travelled a distance of nearly 2,000 miles in less than a month. He resolved that they should never again be parted, and, indeed, Baron accompanied the family to Guernsey and later to a new apartment in Paris, where he died, a few months before his master, in 1884. Despite extensive investigations, none of the details of his incredible journey had ever been discovered.

The mail coach brings the news of Waterloo to Beaminster!

July 11th, 2010

During the French wars, the mail coaches were used for the official dissemination of news. When the Peace of Amiens was proclaimed in 1801, the coaches carried placards announcing ‘Peace with France’. Each driver wore a sprig of laurel, emblematic of peace, in his hat.

My cousin tells me that her great-uncle, Willie Trotman, had heard at second hand of the arrival of the mail coach in Beaminster, Dorset, in late June 1815. On this occasion, the entire coach was decked in laurel, the breathless driver announcing ‘Bloody news’ – that of the victory at Waterloo – to the excited onlookers. The original eyewitness is said to have been Uncle Willie’s great-grandmother, Ann Cox of Farrs, Beaminster (1770 – 1822), though I suspect that other members of his family would have remembered the event. The pace of life in country towns being rather slow, the arrival of any coach was liable to draw a crowd, if only to see who got off.

Ann Cox of Farrs was the grandmother of Ann Symes Trotman (born Cox), whose grandchildren would pester her to repeat the story, it being so unusual to hear her say ‘bloody’. Similar stories were handed down in other families, such as that of Thomas Hare (1806 – 91, pioneer of the Single Transferable Vote) who is said to have run alongside the same coach at Dorchester as a child. (So he told his grandson, Harold Clayton (1874 – 1963), who told my informant, Richard Hare (1922 – 2010).) See my ‘Dorset Families’ page for this and for a photograph of a later version of the Beaminster stagecoach.

Leonida Georgievna, the Grand Duchess Vladimir of Russia

June 29th, 2010

The late Grand Duchess Vladimir of Russia was a jolly, buxom lady with dark, heavily-coiffed hair and of decidedly Asiatic appearance – she was, after all, Georgian. Peter-Gabriel de Loriol Chandieu, effortless writer and gifted flaneur, recalls the following encounter:

The recent death (23/5/2010) of Leonida Bagration-Moukhransky, the late Grand duchess Vladimir of Russia, and her subsequent obituary on the 28th May in the Times reminded me of an event in her life that brought the reality of her situation into sharper perspective.

I was a very young (just 21) manager of a very exclusive ‘private’ hotel in Chelsea in the late 1970s. Private inasmuch as it was not classed as a hotel, but just as ’11 Cadogan Gardens’, a superior ‘Bed and Breakfast’ for patrons who were habitués or recommended by people known to the manager.

As such, the hotel was a magnet to visiting grandees of all declinations; diplomats, actors, politicians, heads of state, monarchs or elected, senior members of various professional bodies, who wished to come to London in relative anonymity to visit friends, relations or just to shop. They loved the relative cheapness of an establishment of 63 bedrooms and suites with en suite bathrooms, which catered to their every whim, in the centre of London, and with a high Victorian décor and service that put the five star hotels to shame!

On that particular Friday I was waiting impatiently to interview a new member of staff, a cleaner, sent by an agency. She was late – it wasn’t a good start! I’d seen half a dozen and they were either too young, too stupid or couldn’t speak a word of English. I sat in my pin-striped trousers, black jacket, white shirt and black tie behind my huge Victorian desk in my oak panelled office, occasionally looking out of the window onto the street. This one wouldn’t be taken on either, she was too late.

A discreet knock at the door followed by the perpetually surprised face of Antonio, the supremely efficient Spanish Head Porter (on whom, I was sure, the Fawlty Towers Manuel was based), saying that the lady had arrived. I asked him to show her in.

She was large, dressed in an almost bohemian way with swathes of tawny coloured capes and scarves carpeted around her busty carapace. She smiled perfunctorily and plonked herself into the chair opposite me. Irked, I started with the obvious questions: did she speak English, did she know London…the obligatory ‘of course’ followed my every question, at first patiently and then with marked indifference and a glimpse of what I surmised as a bad temper. Not good! I thought I’d put her off by telling her she would be working for six days a week and one Sunday in every four weeks, the times she would be expected to be at work and she would also be fitted with a uniform. It was all too much for her. She bulked up to a standing position.

“How dare you speak to me like this – don’t you realise who I am? I am the Grand Duchess Vladimir of Russia.” Her whole body trembled with rage.

“…And I’m the Emperor of France… “. This charade had gone quite far enough! She was rude, arrogant and I would speak to the agency. What agency? Just then the door opened a crack and a worried Francisco looked around the door. He told me that the lady’s husband was her and would like to introduce himself.

A slim, well dressed middle aged individual walked into the room with a smile on his face. In Spanish accented English he presented himself as Vladimir Grand Duke of Russia. You could have heard a pin drop! She broke into a smile and presented her husband to the ‘manager’ of the hotel.  I, meanwhile, couldn’t stop smiling, at myself, for having made history and put my usual two feet in it, as all Sagittarians do. We did part as friends! Francisco couldn’t stop laughing for days – Senor Peter had done it again!

Pg de Loriol

Saxon tombstone at Stratfield Mortimer

June 14th, 2010

The view from the Cuttings includes the parish church of St Mary, Stratfield Mortimer, of which there have been Saxon, Norman and Victorian versions. In 1866, when the Victorians were undoing the Norman work, they discovered an upturned tombstone under the floor of the tower, with a complete inscription (in very idiosyncratic Latin) that reads as follows:

+ VIII . KL . OCTB/FVIT . POSITVS AEGELPARDVS . FILVS KIPPINGVS IN ISTO LOC/O BEATVIS SIT OMO QVI ORAT PRO ANIMA EIVS + TOKI ME SCRIPSIT

‘On the 8th before the Kalends of October (24 September) Aegelward son of Kypping was laid in this place. Blessed be the man who prays for his soul. Toki wrote me.’

The tombstone is 6’6″ long, 20″ wide at the top and 14″ at the base.

A date not before 1020 has been suggested (the Vikings had destroyed anything that went before) and Aegelward’s father is perhaps the ‘Cypping’ who is mentioned in Domesday Book. Cypping was a thegn who, in the time of Edward the Confessor, shared the lordship of Stratfield with his kinsman Edwin, as well as holding numerous other manors in Berkshire and Hampshire. He is said to have held Silchester from King Harold, so must have been alive in 1066. The tombstone is a unique relic from those times. The whereabouts of the early manor-house at Stratfield Mortimer remains a mystery.

Hands off Status Quo!

June 10th, 2010

I think it is safe to say that ‘cuts’ could now be painlessly made at Brighton and Hove City Council, who have reputedly spent £10,000 on a special website to advertise four nonsense jobs that each commands a salary of ‘£125K’. Not only could each of these nonsense jobs be dispensed with – no one would notice any difference – but it was quite inexcusable to waste such a large sum of money on advertising. My website is far better and hasn’t cost anywhere near as much! Most outrageous of all is the complete lack of taste and sensitivity on the part of those responsible. Why have they felt it necessary to insult one of our national institutions, the inoffensive ‘Quo’, who have contributed many an anthem to our collective consciousness and even played in front of royalty? Since the culprits are Brighton and Hove Actually, I suppose they were never going to say ‘Fans of Village People need not apply’.

Keep smiling Pike!

June 9th, 2010

To cut public spending is supposedly going to be both difficult and painful, yet we are everywhere presented with such obvious folly and waste. The NHS has spent £40,000 on a poster campaign to cheer up the residents of deprived housing estates (smiley face good, grumpy face bad), whilst Suffolk County Council has hired a new press officer at a rate of £700 per day. This woman supposedly commands a salary commensurate with her experience, yet her previous employers are said to be the Countryside Agency (presumably a Quango) and the Alzheimer’s Society (a charity). Have these organisations been paying her similarly inflated rates? If so, how did they come to lose their grip on reality? I cannot believe that there is anything she does or could do in the workplace that entitles her to lead a life of luxury. For anyone who is reasonably personable and articulate, being a press officer must surely count as one of the world’s less demanding jobs – isn’t it just a matter of feeding the odd story to the media? – and one questions whether Suffolk County Council would cease to function if it left the position vacant. On the other hand, £700 per day might be a fairer rate for those who are risking their lives in Afghanistan … As for the glum council tenants, why not hand out free Dad’s Army DVDs, a cheaper and far more effective way of cheering them up?

Sir Francis Drake and the Circumnavigation: Drake’s Bay, California

June 9th, 2010

Drake’s statue on Plymouth Hoe

The career of Sir Francis Drake is a current fascination. Drake’s famous circumnavigation of the globe included a landing in California on 17 June 1579. He needed a secluded spot at which to careen his ship, The Golden Hinde (that is, to beach her, tip her on her sides and scrape the barnacles from her hull). There was a risk that the Spaniards, whom he had already robbed of a fortune in bullion, might come looking for him. The eyewitness accounts say that Drake landed at a latitude of 38 degrees North. (This could be accurately measured with a quadrant; determining longitude was more problematical.) The likeliest landing place is therefore accepted to be about 30 miles north of San Francisco, a wild and beautiful spot where the ‘white bankes and cliffes’ reminded Drake of home. Drake’s Bay owes its name to Fleet Admiral Chester W. Nimitz, who lived not far away, in a house with panoramic views over San Francisco Bay. Drake was fearful of the Indians and built a rough stone wall to defend his camp. In fact, the local Niwok were friendly and treated Drake like a king. He called the territory ‘Nova Albion’ and claimed it for the Queen. He fastened a metal plate to a strong post to record the fact, inserting a silver sixpence into a specially cut hole to show Elizabeth’s picture. Such a plate was ‘discovered’ there in 1936, but was later revealed to be a hoax on the part of some artful students. Drake and his crew, who lingered until 23 July, even travelled inland to mingle with the hospitable Niwok, apparently planting their seed among them. Expeditions in 1772 and 1774 discovered tribesmen with fair hair and, even more unusually, beards. As Drake was incapable of producing issue by either of his two wives, it is perhaps unlikely that any were descended from him. Drake’s Bay appears still to be sparsely populated, with seals basking on deserted beaches. The white cliffs are indeed strikingly reminiscent of southern England. How strange it must have been for Drake and his crew, who were as far away as it was possible to be from their homes. Those who survived the many hazards of the voyage were to be set up for life.